Uncover Hijab! My Biggest Decision in 27

14 years to convince me and my family that I enjoyed living without wearing hijab. When I was 23, I realized that I prefer to keep my Islamic identity for myself. I want to liberate myself and express my ideas without being judged by people about my beliefs and appearance.


When I was in Junior High School, I decided to use the hijab because of my father's regrets. I was supposed to go to Islamic School, but I choose to study in a public school. I knew that he wants me to be the best version of myself in a religious way, and having an education in the Islamic School is the way. I was trying not to make him regret me a lot by using the hijab while the class has only 2 other girls with it. My mother told me, "If you're not ready, you don't need to use it." 10 years later, I was realized that I supposed to hear her. 


Since dated a boy, I started using it in all of my activities outside the house. Experiencing dating an Islamic boarding school student also pushed me to keep it while we also had skin-to-skin activities which opposite to the rules. Women should wear hijab to keep their dignity and make men respect them was my belief for years. But a boy broke it! I experienced sexual harassment. I blamed myself and I was afraid that it will break my image. I told a friend and she said that "Hopefully, you will be FINE." Women with or without hijab are not safe if men are not educated and keep their behave.


Hijab is the identity as muslimah. It shows how your commitment to religion in belief and attitude. Now the hijab became a fashion trend, even maybe only 3 girls who are not using the hijab in class. So, I realized that it is about appearance. It comes to grey. Hijab can't guarantee that she has a good attitude, discipline in praying, or understanding the religion. In the end, it depends on herself. 


Joining an international student club introduced me to the wider views of culture and religion. Even though in the beginning I felt that we have a distance since I can't drink alcohol when we talk. They asked me "Why do you use hijab?" and I answered with the generic answer. After that, I kept questioning myself "Why? Why? Why?" Gus Dur's daughters not using long-full-covered hijab, Shihab families too. They are well-known ulama, well-educated, and disciplined in pray. I saw their speeches and TEDTalk videos about hijab. I found the history of why women should use hijab, what is the hijab that Qur'an means, and the answer.


I had experimented with not wearing hijab on formal occasions such as seminars/courses and informal meetings. I met new people and introduce myself as Hanna who act like usual, pray as usual, and speak as usual. They still appreciate me and treat me like usual. Nothing change! Even there is a magical feeling, I felt closer to God. Allah is in me however I am. Since then, the veil is only a uniform.


My friends told me to uncover if I enjoy it more. It doesn't mean I will be a sinner, abandon the value of the religion, and stop praying. But I can't do it while my father has not allowed me. I was trying to tell him but he said: "What you wanna be?" "I just wanna be Hanna," I said. Maybe I can uncover it when I have a husband who allowed me or a moment that I can change that women-with-hijab identity. I guess, going abroad is the point. I pray to God, "If You permit me to uncover it, please give me a chance to go abroad!" 


"Pas lo umur 27, lo akan mengambil keputusan yang akna merubah hidup lo. Itu dimana pintu-pintu lo akan dibuka atau ditutup sama Alloh." - 3 Hari Untuk Selamanya.

At 27 years old, I decide to leave the hijab in my wardrobe. I asked my fathers and he permit me to go to the United Kingdom without it to be safe from Islamophobia and be more flexible. He trusts me to keep the value of Islam in my daily activities. It is the biggest gift for me!


For some people, maybe God closed the door and judge me as a sinner. I was surprised when they show me their disappointment! They are people who did not contribute anything to my life. While my family and my close friends support me and love me just the way I am. Being an adult realized me who is the one and the others, though! I don't give a fuck with them.


"Islam is my religion that will show in my attitude. I will keep it belief on track, Insyaallah."





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